Announcement:)

“So far, no morning sickness...but the paper cuts are terrible!”

We have been officially paper pregnant since July 10, 2014!

Coming soon....Baby Mayfield:)

"For You formed my inward parts;

You covered me in my mother’s womb.

14 

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my soul knows very well.” Psalm 139:13-14

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,


The thought of you coming into my life overwhelms this mama's heart with so much joy.  I always have known that I would meet you some day.  I also have known that it was possible to love someone before you've even met them.  I realized this when I was praying for God to bring your daddy into my life.  I knew he was out there somewhere, I just didn't know where.  But the moment your daddy first kissed me, I knew he was the one I had been praying for and setting my love aside for.  


Now, we say this about you.  I love you sweet baby.  More than I think anyone has every loved another being.  I don’t know where you are right now but I pray everyday that God is forming you and making you just for me.  And I know He is.  You and your daddy are gonna be best friends!  And me and you?  Inseparable.  


But as much as me and your daddy love you, God loves you even more.  I don't know you yet.  I don't know what you look like or if you have hair or not.  I don't know what color your skin is or even your eyes.  I have no idea if you are a boy or a girl.  But God does.  And that brings me great joy and comfort. 


I want you to know how much we have wanted you.  There is nothing that will every change this feeling.  Nothing you can do or say will make us stop wanting or loving you.  You are so special and were made perfectly to be just who God intended you to be.  


Your first mommy loves you too.  I pray fervently that you are growing strong in her tummy and that God keeps her out of harms way to protect your fragile life.  I want you to know that God is working on her heart right now to bring you to me and your daddy.  It will not be an easy decision for her to let you go so that you can be with us.  But she loves you enough to know that it is what's best for you.  And I can only pray that she sees how much you will be loved in our arms.  


As much as I want to call you ours, I can't.  Because you are not going to be ours at all.  You belong to your heavenly Father and we will raise you so that one day, with much prayer, He will be yours also.  More than anyone in this entire world, even me and daddy, He loves you unconditionally and He longs for you to know Him.


You, little one, are an answer to many prayers, by many people who love you already. And no matter how tired I am, how covered in your spit up and poop, how cranky you are, how much sleep I may miss, how many times I hear the question “why”, how many times we may have disagreements because you don’t think me and your dad know how it feels to be a teenager and how many mistakes you make, I will ALWAYS love you.  Nothing you can do will ever change that.


So, precious child, on those days when this world tells you that you aren’t good enough, you come home to me, your mom, who loved you before she met you and I will remind you that you are covered in His fingerprints.  That you. Are. His.

All my love,

Mom

The ride.

The adoption understatement of the century.

To say that this process is an emotional roller coaster would be like equating a tornado to a light rain storm.

Emotional roller coaster doesn't begin to describe it.  BUT...it is a beautiful journey.  On the ups AND the downs.

I can honestly say we haven't had too many downs just yet.  While we have definitely had our days of just longing to hold our sweet baby and desiring for this process to be over, we realize how fortunate we are to have had it as "easy" as we have.

For the most part, everything up until this point has gone pretty smoothly and we are SO beyond thankful for that!  We know there are hard days ahead along with difficult decisions to be made, but that never changes our confidence in the fact that God is sovereign and knows exactly when, and what, is right for us and our, soon-to-be, new extended family!

And...

We. Are. Excited.

Saturday (it's 10 minutes past midnight as I'm writing this), we attended our all day adoption workshop.  We heard from adoptive families and also a birthmother.  It was amazing.  And it really confirmed for Robert and I both that we are where God has intended for us to be.

With that being said, I want to update you on where that is exactly.

And I think you will be on the edge of your seat when I am finished.  So buckle up...Here we go.

We are now officially in the home study phase of adoption.  If you don't know anything about adoption, this is essentially the last phase before placement.

From this point on out, if you question us about the process, our answer will simply be that.  We are in the home study phase.

The reason for this is that once we receive placement of a baby, we MUST go off the radar for something called the "legal risk" period.  This is to protect all parties involved.

I realize that this is going to be difficult to not shout from the rooftops, but it is necessary.

My advice to you, as I know that most of you are just as, if not MORE excited then we are, (Nana and Pop Pop) is to be patient with us.  If you don't see us for a time, celebrate and give thanks for, and with us, without asking to many questions that we won't be able to answer.  And most of all, pray.

Pray for that precious birthmother that more than likely has some difficult days ahead.  Pray for us and our new addition.  We've never had a baby before and we will be new to each other.   Pray for our family.  This is new to everyone related to us!  Mainly, give praise and thanks to our faithful, gracious, merciful God.  He is good and deserves our praises!

And IF, after some time, you happen to see us with the baby and are tempted to shout it on social media or snap a picture and post to Instagram  please, please, please DON'T!!!  Wait for us to say "go". If you aren't sure, ask us!  We will be happy to tell you where we are in that critical period.

So there you have it.

I know.  Just enough information to know just how close we really are and make you want more.  Trust me.  We feel it too!  Knowing that we could possibly be a couple months away from seeing that sweet face is torture.  But again, when all this started, God asked us to stay and wait.  So that's what we will continue to do until He says "it's time".

And when He does, oh, I can only imagine.

In the meantime, can I ask you to continue to pray and share???  Also, please continue to share our fundraising website!  We are completely trusting that God will provide what we need!  You can access that here.

Saying "thank you" just doesn't seem to encompass how grateful Robert and I really are toward all of our supporters!  Just know how much we love you and thank God for each of you!

Much love.

The Mayfields x2...soon to be 3:)

Though you slay me.

Robert and I LOVE music and we ofen look for songs that are meaningful to us and our daily walk with Christ.  This song gets me through some of my hardest days and I pray that God will use it in your life also if you are going through struggles.  Listen to John Piper's message in the middle.  It's powerful and comforting.  God is good.  And He is faithful in every aspect of life.  Praise Him.  Bless His name.  Sing to Him.  After all, He died on a cross for YOU!!!!



"Though tonight I'm crying out, let this cup pass from me now. You're still more than I need. You're enough for me. Though you slay me, yet I will praise you.  Though you take from me, I will bless your name.  Though you ruin me, still I will worship.  Sing a song to the one who's all I need."

12 But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel, 13 so that it has become evident to the whole palace guard, and to all the rest, that my chains are in Christ; 14 and most of the brethren in the Lord, having become confident by my chains, are much more bold to speak the word without fear.

19 For I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayer and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, 20 according to my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live isChrist, and to die is gain. 22 But if I live on in the flesh, this will mean fruit from my labor; yet what I shall choose I cannot tell. 23 For[c] I am hard-pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better. 24 Nevertheless to remain in the flesh is more needful for you. 25 And being confident of this, I know that I shall remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy of faith, 26 that your rejoicing for me may be more abundant in Jesus Christ by my coming to you again.

-Philippians 1:12-14, 19-26

I encourage you to read the book of Philippians if you are suffering.  Paul gives some comforting words there and in them I find rest and peace.  "To live is Christ and to die is gain"

It isn't funny

April Fool's day.

A day I have been dreading for 2 weeks.

Why?

Because on this day, every year, so many get their heart's bruised from a simple joke that was meant to entertain, but instead it unintentionally hurts.

I'm not a fan of beating a dead horse and I know that many have seen or know my concern for social media posts that can damage hearts of infertile women, but I just want to give a gentle reminder before you hit "post" on that dagger of an April Fool's joke.

1. Infertility hurts. As if I even need to go any further.  Everyday I wake up hoping to miss the all to common social media pregnancy announcement.  It's not that I'm not happy for you.  Or that I can't understand the excitement you must be feeling.  Actually, it's just the opposite. I CAN understand.  Because there are days when I sit and daydream about what it would be like for me to post just the same.  Or to think about how we would tell.  So when I see you post a joke about being pregnant to get a rise out of people, it hurts me.  Down to the deepest part of my heart that aches everyday for that baby to be mine.  Hurts me in knowing that what I pray so hard for everyday, is something that you take lightly enough to joke about.  I know in my heart that you don't mean for it to hurt me.  But the devil creeps in and says "Doesn't that make you furious?  That person doesn't care about you or your feelings."  I know that not to be true.   So I pray for God's comfort and peace to surround me and my throbbing heart.  And He always comes through.  But, somehow it's still there the next day.  It's a daily struggle.  Just don't do it.  Think of something really outlandish that no one would expect, like I'm moving to an exotic island for a job offer.  Just please, please, please stay away from anything that involves growing a human life inside of you.

2. Loss.  It's a little word we all wish we could avoid.  But unfortunately,  it can't be avoided.  Everyday there are couples who miscarry, have a stillbirth, find that the excitement of their pregnancy is going to come to a screeching halt because their baby has a disease or genetic malfunction that is not compatible with life, and on and on and on.  Don't believe me?  Come job shadow me one day.  And that's just one labor and delivery unit.  Think about all the same units across the world.  And wouldn't you feel terrible if the same day that someone, who just isn't ready to talk, but knows it needs to be told, posts on a social media site their heartbreak, only to see your "joke" of a pregnancy announcement.  Is it worth it?

3. Some people DO use social media for serious matters.  I see it everyday.  Pictures of kids and families, graduation announcements, announcement of births, deaths and everything in between, requests for prayer, excitement over new jobs and so on.  Yes social media is meant to be fun.  But it is also a way for others to communicate to the masses of serious matters and about life in general.  That's serious to me!  I wanna celebrate with you and grieve with you and pray for you all at the same time if need be.  And if it weren't for social media, most of those things would never be shared.  Not to long ago I saw this on Facebook: 

"Wow...I can't believe people take that "game" so seriously...people that take fb too seriously don't need to be on fb if things like this hurt their feelings.  And that my friend...is my opinion :D"

Tears streamed down my face after reading this.  Not because it was a friend who wrote it.  In all honesty, I didn't even know the person.  But it hurt.  And it made me hurt for others that would read it also.  If you post pictures of your family or even of yourself, then you are using social media in a serious matter.  If you write anything about your life, job, family, kids, loss, suffering or prayer needs on social media, then you are using it in a serious way.  Why?  Because those ARE serious things.  Just be careful and be conscious.  And that my friends...is my opinion.

So there you have it.  Just a few reasons why you shouldn't do it.  You may read this and think I'm the most ridiculous person on the face of this planet.  And that's okay.  But the fact is, if you haven't experienced what I'm going through in life or vice versa, how can you or I say it doesn't hurt.  You can't.

My prayer is that none of you reading this CAN ever know what I'm going through.  Because that would mean that you too feel as I do some days.  And that hurts me for you.  But I know that it's simply impossible for everyone reading this to have no problems with conceiving, or losing a child or baby.  So today my prayer is for all of you that ARE struggling with infertility, loss or failed adoption.  May God be with you on this silly day of "harmless" jokes and pranks.

Today, try and be a blessing to someone who needs it.  Stand up for those that you know may be hurt because of the above stated things.  Even if it isn't you, yourself.  Sometimes just a gentle reminder is all it takes.

With much love my friends,

Jen

7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:7

The adoption blues

It sounds so silly to say I have what I like to call the "adoption blues".  I'm convinced it's the same as postpartum depression.

Clarification: I'm not depressed...just a little sad these last 2 days.

Why, you may ask???

Just the devil creeping in telling me this will never happen.

Yesterday I had a weepy couple of hours as I sorted through all the things I need to accomplish in the next 30ish days to complete our formal application for our home study.

Oh, by the way, our preliminary application was approved and in record time, making me question if they even read what is submitted.  I like to think so, seeing as how it took me forever!!!

But that preliminary application, was a walk in the sunny park with daisies and ice cream cones compared to the formal application.

I cried for the first time yesterday.

Not gonna lie.

I was worried.

Worried that there was no possible way I would ever finish all of the things that need to be done before our home study.

And not only is it a lot of stuff, but extremely personal also.

Like, things you don't even tell your mother, kinda personal.  I'll let your imagination wonder on that.

Today I had another meltdown when I talked to one of my co-workers who is like a mom to everyone.  I burst into tears and blurted out this long run on sentence about how I was so worried about completing all of this stuff and I just wanted to give up and say forget it.

But she reassured me that we have come to far to turn back now and I needed to take a deep breath, step away from the edge of the cliff I was on and pray about it.

I felt convicted in that very moment.  I was in the middle of Harris Teeter and I had to stop and just ask God for forgiveness.  I had lost complete and total faith that God is so much bigger than an adoption application and He was perfectly capable of handling this.  I had taken all of this "stuff" upon myself for me to handle and the thing is, without Him, I CAN'T handle it.

I had a revelation at that moment.  Something that my sweet friend, Missi, had said to me a couple months ago that became very real to me in that moment.  Her family is adopting also and while they are much further in the process than Robert and I, she still has up's and down's when it comes to emotions.  What she said that day hadn't really hit me until right then.

She said, "One this is for sure.  Adoption is not for the weary at heart."

Those words flooded my mind and heart.  But true to His nature, God reassured me with one of His comforts from His precious word.

"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." Galatians 6:9

One version says "if we faint not" which really cracks me up because God has such a sense of humor.  You don't know how true that felt yesterday and today!

I realized that adoption isn't for the weary but neither is being a Christian or sharing the Gospel!  God never promised in His word that the race would be easy.  But He did promise that He would never leave us alone and that He would always be there to comfort us.  All we have to do is ask Him.

So, I got myself together.  Dried my face.  Try to shrug off all the people staring at me like I was in the middle of an emotional breakdown and was about to run the aisles and knock everything off the shelves.

And I prayed.

Prayed that God would give me the strength to finish these tasks.  Prayed that He would wrap His arms around me AND my weary heart and comfort me in that moment to know that He is God.  He is sovereign.  And He is good.

I checked a lot of things off the to do list tonight and plan to check a couple more off tomorrow!  And that's all I can do.  A little at a time.  But most of all, I have to remember to let go of these stresses that I try to control and let God take the drivers seat.  It's hard.  But it's necessary.

Are you holding onto something tonight that is maybe causing you more stress than you care to bear?  Let me encourage you to ask God to take it from you.

He will.  I promise.

And so does He!

Our journey to you: Bringing home baby Mayfield

Click here to go to our adoption fundraising page!!! Please share and/or give how God calls you!!!  Thank you!

Remember that one time....

when I had a blog???

Oh, yeah!!!

It's amazing to me how fast life gets in the way of things we are passionate about!!!  Just about everyday for the last month I have thought to myself, "I need to blog an update on where we are at with our adoption", but then it's time to cook dinner or go to work or you know....sleep!!!!!

But I'm back! And so very excited to share some updates with you!!!  Nothing major but something is better than nothing!!!!

First off, we had a meeting at our adoption agency on January 30th.

Robert and I fell in love with them!  We really felt God's presence in that place and felt such a peace about our decision to choose them as the agency for us!

We got a lot of good information to help us move along on our journey.  And also some very encouraging information!

After the meeting, we went about 5 minutes down the road and picked up our baby crib.

YES THAT'S WHAT I SAID!!!!!! A BABY CRIB!!!!!!!!!!

And a changing table to match it!

Mom and I went to a huge consignment sale a couple weeks ago at the merchandise mart and picked up a couple things there including a baby swing, a baby bath tub, some onesies in case of immediate baby pick up and some safety things to get us ready for our home study!  

If you want to mess with your husband one day, put a safety door knob cover on the door most used and watch him go! Pure entertainment!!!

 My sister picked these up at a consignment store. So sweet!

Don't read into the boy clothes too much! If any of you know my mother, and also the fact that I have 2 beautiful nieces, you will totally get why we didn't buy any girl stuff!

The last couple of weeks, we have been working on our preliminary application. Don't assume that the "preliminary" part of that means only a couple questions.

Have mercy.

It seemed endless.

But I am so excited and relieved to report that we completed and submitted it today!!! We mailed the part that needed to be mailed and it is on it's way!!!

So that's it!!!! Back to waiting!  Please pray that our application is approved and that our home study is scheduled soon so we can continue on!  I am working on a website that will allow people to donate money to our adoption fund if they feel so led.  I will post it as soon as I get it up and running!  If you can't give, that's ok! Just sharing it will be great!!!!

God continues to be faithful in so many ways that I can't even start to tell you.  

He is good.

We are thankful.

                                                               

More is Godly.

I know.

Strange title, right?

I can promise you this though, at the end of this blog, you will agree....or disagree.  But you will understand.

I saw this post on Facebook today that made me want to jump up and scream "Hallelujah, somebody else gets it!!!".

I didn't, only for the fact that my sweet husband lay asleep next to me after his night shift last night.  He will appreciate that. I feel sure!

The post was about a mom who doesn't appreciate the sexy selfies that are placed on social media for the whole world to look at, including her sons.

If you've never read it, you can find it here.

Now before you get all up in arms on me because you've posted one of these spoken pictures or your daughters currently do, just hear me out.

I don't have sons yet, so I'm speaking purely of my husband and future sons.

It drives me CRAZY to watch the things that are posted on social media.  It disgusts me.  I spend half my time hiding things on my newsfeed that I have no desire to look at, than actually using social media for it's intended purpose (whatever that is).

And the first thing I do is tell my husband, "Honey, be careful of your newsfeed today." And his response is either to hand me his phone so I can hide it or hide it immediately himself.  

I hope you aren't sitting there thinking that my husband MUST be a perv if his wife is having to do this for him.  BUT that's where you would be wrong.

First of all, my husband is FAR from a perv.  And secondly, I don't HAVE to do this.  I choose to.

I consider it my number one job to guard my husband's heart in any way possible.  I pray daily that God will shield his eyes from things around him so that he can share the gospel with a pure mind and eyes set on Christ.  I pray that God will give him strength to abstain from lusting of the eyes, not because I think he might lust, but because he is a man  and anyone who would argue the fact that men are visual creatures has never met a man!!!  Even Godly men still struggle with their flesh.  Not because they are pervs or WANT to look, but because their eyes are naturally drawn to things where the devil knows he can cause them to stumble.

Granted there are definitely men out there that, in fact, DO want to look and do nothing to prevent it.  But we aren't gonna visit that subject today.

I have read several blogs in to past where women writing about these things have received quite the lashings from readers saying that men are responsible for themselves and women shouldn't have to filter what they wear just because it may cause a man to stumble.  But think of it this way.  If you want to help someone who is struggling with alcoholism, do you invite them to your house and serve alcohol to everyone but them?  

Absolutely NOT!!!!  

As believers, we should be attempting to keep our brothers and sisters from stumbling under any circumstance. Not just lusting.  In the same way, before you get dressed in the morning or take that sexy picture, think about it....If someone was struggling with lust, would this help them stumble or keep them from it?

So back to what I was saying before....

My husband is everything to me.  And I choose daily to protect his eyes and his heart through prayer and through warning him when I see a potential problem.  

But HE protects himself also.  By prayer, yes definitely.  But also through turning his head when he sees something he shouldn't.  

When we watch TV, I don't have to say a word before he already has his head turned when the round girl comes out with her little sign and little outfit on UFC.  And when she is gone, I tell him it's safe.

I already know what you are thinking.

"He does it at home when he is WITH you, of course."

But guess what?!?!?  He does it away from home too!  Don't believe me?

Ask his friends that he watches UFC with.

One time, he played in a softball tournament with some guys. Some he knew well, some he didn't.  After the softball tournament, the guys decided to go to lunch.  Now Robert had carpooled with someone else so he was along for the ride regardless of where they went.  And guess where they picked to eat....Yep, you guessed it.....

HOOOTERS!!!

Robert chose to sit in the car while the other guys ate.  Did he catch flack about it.  I'm sure he did.  But did he waiver.  Nope.

While the other guys sat in hooters ogling breasts popping out of shirts and booties popping out of shorts, my husband sat in the car praying and counting the minutes until he could come home to his wife.  Not so he could sound like some upstanding man who does no wrong because he does his fair share of wrong, as we all do. But because he loves me with all his heart.  He loves me as the Bible says he should love me.

It sickens me to think of how those other wives must have felt when their husbands came home that day.  That's IF they even told their wives where they went.  I know some women who say it doesn't bother them when their husband eye balls another woman, but that is a flat out lie.

How can it not bother you?  How can it not bother you that when you are making love to your husband, it may not be you that he is seeing when he closes his eyes but rather the hooter's girl with perky boobs ten times the size of yours.  That is adultery.  Plain and simple.  The Bible calls it as such. And I don't care what you say.  Somewhere deep down, it HAS to bother you.  

On those days when nothing fits and you feel ugly and fat, tell me then it doesn't bother you.  On those days when you look in the mirror and realize what having kids has done to your once perky and flat body, tell me then it doesn't hurt that your husband would rather look a hooter's girl then his wife.

I. Don't. Believe. You.

God intended men to be protectors and lovers of their wives.  And that ladies, is part of the deal.  Your husband is protecting you when he shields his eyes from that kind of stuff. How so?

Because he is shielding himself from making his expectations of you comparable to fake boobs and always in the gym butts (sorry mom, hiney just didn't sound right for this one).  Let's face it ladies, how many of us look like that?

And even if you do.  Your husband will still wander with his eyes if you aren't praying for him daily and he isn't making the same effort to be as Christ like as possible.

So next time you decide to post a picture of yourself sunbathing or trying to get sympathy that you need to go to the gym by posting a picture of your already flat abs, think about it.  Does that picture have the potential to make young men, husbands, older men or even, other women who struggle with lusting, stumble?

If your answer is possibly, DON'T POST IT.

Don't be the reason that somebody stumbled in their walk.

Lots of men in this world are trying their hardest to be different and be like Christ.  You are expected to do the same if you are a believer.  Cover yourself up and be modest like a lady should be.

More is Godly when it comes to clothes and covering up.

Do it.  Be a respectable woman.  Be a woman that other women don't think twice about their husbands being around.  It will pay off.  I can promise you that.  And if you aren't married but waiting for the man that God has set aside for you, imagine how much more you will love and respect him when you know that he has set his mind to be pure for YOU!  And imagine how much sexier you will be to him when he knows that you have saved, not only your body, but even the looking of your body only for HIM.

Make that decision today to be a help to your brothers and sisters in Christ and not a hindrance.

1 Peter 3:3-4

3 Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—4 rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.

1 Timothy 2:9-10

9 in like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing, 10 but, which is proper for women professing godliness, with good works.

Matthew 5:28

28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, 5 not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God;

Stay and Wait.

What God has asked us to do for now.

Waiting has become such a major part of our lives.  And while I hate every minute of it, it is necessary for His working.

God continues to wake me up in the middle of the night and lay it on my heart to get up and write these blogs.  Granted, I wake up in the middle of the night ALOT due to working night shift, but these times are different.

I wake up out of a dead sleep and instantly a subject is laid upon my heart that I know I need to get up and write about at that very second.

And that's what I've done thus far....until this morning.

I laid in bed for 30 minutes, arguing with God about the subject He was calling me to write about.  It's one I feel very uncomfortable blogging about for the closeness of the situation.  That's all I feel like I can say.

Please bear with me.  My mind is working a thousand miles a minute for lack of better words and I'm not yet sure how this is going to sound after it's written.

I know of someone who is struggling right now.  Struggling in ways that I can't even begin to fathom.

I cried most of the day yesterday because of this person and situation.  At first for selfish reasons.  And then for her.  

This person is pregnant.  An unwanted pregnancy.  It hurts me physically to even type those words and re-read them.

This person is "weighing her options".  And it absolutely breaks my heart.

My first thought was, "Please, give me your baby".  That was in my selfishness.  I can't fathom the thought of us going through what we are going through and the hurt that we have and still do feel, while someone else is simply "weighing their options".

But it's not even about that.

It's not about me.  It's not about Robert.

It's about her.  And the sweet life that she carries within her.

My second thought was for her.  I want to run to her and tell her what her options are.  Adoption or parent.  Plain and simple.  

We have become so quick to seek that instant fix in this world and it infuriates me.  But I have to put my anger on hold because this girl needs me.

She needs my prayers and pleading on her behalf to an intolerant God about "options".  She needs grace.  She needs love.

As I sit here and write this I feel physically sick to my stomach.  I want to get on my knees and beg her not to do this.  But it wouldn't be heard because she is so disconnected at this point.

So, instead I'm on my knees begging God to change her heart.  Soften her heart to adoption.  I'm not asking for her baby for myself.  I know that's not what is meant to be for that baby or us.  I just simply am pleading for a life to be spared.  And someone else's life to be blessed with an immeasurable gift.

I have a dear friend who also knows about this situation.  We spoke yesterday on the phone and cried and pleaded on this baby's behalf.  She too is waiting for a very special gift.  And while she has kids already who she cherishes dearly, knows that her and her husband have been called to add another blessing to this already precious family. 

She is where I am now.  She's not asking for her baby.  Just for that sweet child to receive a chance at life.

I don't even know where else to go with this other than to beg every single one of you who will read this to please pray for this person and this precious life she harbors.

Pray that God lay His mighty hand on her very callused heart.  Pray that this child is spared their life.  Pray for her mindset to be changed about her "options".  Pray for the kids that she already has, that they may somehow be shown the light of Christ.

This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to pray about.  In my flesh I want to scream at her and let my anger come to the surface.  But James 1:19 says "So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to listen, slow to speak, slow to wrath;"

I can't yell at her to wake up and realize what she is saying.

I.  Must.  Pray.

Nothing else.  

So once again, here is your servant Lord...waiting.  Holding her breath while she stays the course and waits. Waits for a decision that either way, God will receive the glory for.  It hurts.  Physically, emotionally, mentally.  But ultimately, God is sovereign.  He already knows this child.  He already knows what will become of this situation.  He. already. knows.

I leave you with a song that has been on my heart for a while now. It seems to have become my theme song for these past weeks and months.  

I ask you, beg you, please pray.

Our decision. Not yours.

Sounds harsh, doesn't it?

It's not meant to.  But the truth of the matter is that when people start finding out about what you are going through, really in any storm of life, the "if I were yous" and "you should justs" start coming from every direction.

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm all for some advice.  

My mom always says, "Take all the advice you can get.  Then you can pick and choose what you want to use and what you don't."

And that works for most situations.  But not when it comes to matters like infertility.

I distinctly remember sitting in church one Sunday morning and hearing Dr. Joe Brown say something that has always stuck with me.  He said "You can't say what you would or wouldn't do until you are in that same situation yourself".  He's right.  You can imagine what you may or may not do but you never know for sure because when you aren't in that particular situation, you have a different mind set then when it actually happens.

Bet you are wondering where I'm going with this, don't you?

Well, let me get right down to it....

In the very beginning of this struggle we kept very quiet about all of this.  I was somehow ashamed or embarrassed that I had these issues.  Why as  women we get so bent out of shape about our bodies dysfunctions that we can't control, I will never understand.  

But we do.

For 3+ years, Robert and I have had (close your eyes mom) unprotected sex.  I have taken countless pregnancy tests.  I have "had" every single possible symptom of pregnancy known to man.  At one point I could have sworn my leg hair was growing faster than normal and just knew I was pregnant!

I mean seriously, Jen?????  Who monitors the rate of leg hair growth.

I'll tell you who.  The girl who wants so badly to be pregnant that she will take ANY symptom that comes along with it and not complain a single bit!  And that is another blog for another time...

I finally couldn't hold it in any longer.  I was tired of acting like nothing was wrong when I knew deep down that something was.  And it was starting to effect me by keeping it all in.

So I started talking.

And so did everyone else.

"You should go see the doctor."

"You should just stop trying." 

 By the way, if you are a married woman, how is that even possible?  Men like sex.  True story. Women (most women) like babies. That's a fact.  If you have a husband, you most likely are going to have sex.  And if you want a baby, I think you have to have sex for that too. Don't you?  If you know another way, PLEASE message me so we can meet for coffee!  So in order to use that advice, you want me to NOT have sex?  I'm confused!!!!

Anyways. Moving on.

"You should put a pillow under your hips and lay down for 30 minutes afterward."

"If I were you I would have your husband checked out."

It's exhausting!!!  If I used all that advice I would be laying down with a pillow under my hips at the doctor's office, NOT having sex, getting my husband checked out, all while standing on my head, taking special vitamins, with a thermometer in my mouth and peeing on an ovulation stick!

Whew!

But, you aren't me.

That's what I want to say but never do in fear of sounding rude.  Except that one day.  I went to lunch with some friends and that whole, "You should just", conversation started.  I burst into tears, and let out a "it's so easy for everyone to sit here and say what you would do but YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD DO BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE AND YOU AREN'T ME"!!!

That last part is in all caps because somehow at the end of my outburst I was on the verge of yelling.  And then came the embarrassment, as I could feel what seemed like the whole restaurants' worth of eyes staring at me wondering why somebody wasn't fitting this girl for a straight jacket.  I wanted to crawl under the table cloth. Needless to say the table got very quiet.

So with all that being said, let me tell you what WE are planning on doing, God willing of course.

We prayed a very long time about what God wanted for our lives.  And the answer we came up with was....

Adoption.

I always knew I wanted to grow my family through adoption.  So this really was no new news to me. Robert was completely on board at the first mention of adoption. And I was so thankful.  He is a good man.  I have read a lot of things that say that it sometimes takes some convincing for a man because women have that natural "nurture you whether you are my kid or the neighbor's kid" instinct but a man has to work at it a little harder.  Especially when the kid isn't his blood.  

I'm a lucky girl;)

At first we thought international.  And still are thinking that maybe that is our avenue.  But several doors for international adoption have been closed to us for now and that's okay.  We are not ruling anything out at this point in time.  We are exploring all of our options in domestic and international.

I worried for a long time about how people would react to knowing that the child that God brings into our lives was not "ours".  But the truth is, the child WILL be ours.  Just because I didn't carry that baby for 9 months doesn't make him or her any less mine than if I did.  It is just the same.

Romans 8:15 says "For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father"."

That child will call Robert and I, daddy and mommy just like a child that we conceived on our own.  And we will love them no differently.

God spiritually adopted me and He loved me enough to send HIS son to die on a cross for  my sins that He didn't even commit.

And if you don't understand that, or would do it differently, it doesn't matter because you aren't us!

Jesus set the example for us on how to love. End of story.

So next time you are listening to someone's struggle, before you so quickly jump to give advice, stop and think about it.

A good question to ask yourself would be "Is this what he/she needs to hear right now?" or would a simple, "I can't understand what you are going through because I've never been there . But what I can tell you is that I'm praying for God's sovereign hand to be at work in your life and I pray that He gives you His peace that passes all understanding." be more well received?

Because at the end of the day, it's not your decision to make. It's theirs   And their goal in life isn't or shouldn't be to do what YOU would do, but instead, what Christ would do.


"A Father of the fatherless, a defender of the widows, Is God in His holy habitation." Psalm 68:5

Blogging...Really???

It's just something I never saw myself doing.  Besides, both of us work full time in addition to Robert being a part time youth pastor, which most days turns into full time, who has time to sit down and blog?!?!

RIGHT???

But I knew that using this blog as an outlet to get out all the feelings and emotions that I have and will be feeling in the coming months ahead was essential.  I'm also with hopes that I may reach someone who is going through the same struggles, and needs to know that they aren't alone. 

Hi.  My name is Jen and I struggle with infertility.  I'm married to Robert and because of me, he struggles with infertility also.

I don't mean that to sound like I'm blaming myself but it's the truth and I plan to be brutally honest in this blog.  So let's just call it like it is.

The above statement is my disclaimer if you choose to continue reading.....

Still with me?

Okay, good.  Let's continue.

I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) in combination with chronic ovulation issues.  We have been through some fertility treatments but nothing has seemed to work.  

But I already knew that they wouldn't.

Wait, what???

Yep, you read that right.

I knew from the time I was in high school that I wasn't going to be able to get pregnant.  At least not easily.  If you would have asked me why I felt that way, I wouldn't have had an answer.  

I. Just. Knew.

I believe that God was preparing my heart for this journey that my husband and I would embark upon together.

So here we are, 3 years and some change after the day we said "I do".  And no baby...yet.

We knew we wanted to have kids soon after we got married but God has other plans for us.

His Word tells us in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has a plan for us.  And that plan, is to prosper us and not to harm us.  To give us a hope and a future.

I'm totally paraphrasing that verse so if you aren't familiar with it, GO LOOK IT UP!!!!!

I gotta tell ya...my faith is strong. But sometimes, that verse is HARD to believe.

Those times when I'm laying in bed crying because my arms ache for a child.  Or when I'm sitting in church watching a baby dedication, which to a woman with infertility is a bitter reminder of what she doesn't or can't have.  And mother's day...don't even get me started on that one.

Sure I know that God has my best interest at heart.  But my flesh gets the better of me from time to time.  The devil creeps right in and says...

"Jen, if God loves you so much and wants to prosper you, then why won't He give YOU a child. He doesn't love or care about you."

And the truth is, I don't know why God chooses who He chooses to be the receiver of this gift called infertility.

Yes, I just referred to it as a gift.

The reason for that is because, well,  isn't everything given by God, a gift?  I think so.

It may not be a gift we want.  But it is from Him.  Sometimes I think how privileged I am that He chose me instead of someone else who maybe couldn't have handled it.  Maybe because they didn't have the right faith.

But then there are THOSE days.

The days when I cry and complain because I so badly want to give this gift back.

But WHO does that?!?!?

So I pray and cry and plead.....And pray. And cry. And plead some more.

But the same answer always comes.

"My grace is sufficient for you."

Recognize that?  I hope you do.  It's from I Corinthians 12 when Paul is pleading with the Lord about the thorn in his flesh.  He pleaded with Him 3 times (which I think is great seeing as how I plead just about EVERYDAY...10 times a day) for this thorn to depart from him.

But it doesn't.  The Lord replies to Paul "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”

So, I say okay.  And I let it rest...for the moment.  It's a good thing we serve a patient God because I can imagine that if He wasn't, I would certainly be trying His patience by now.

All I know is that God's plan to prosper me is not going to look like what I think it should look like.  And thank goodness it doesn't because I would probably be a hot mess.

A HOTTER mess then I am right now!

That's where I'll leave you for now.  If you have a minute in your busy day, take some time to read the story about Paul and his thorn.  We all have some kind of thorn.  And if you know what it is, I pray that you will find comfort in that area of God's precious Word.  And if you don't know, pray about it.  Something WILL be revealed to you.

I'm gonna try and focus today on what God HAS given me as opposed to what He HASN'T given me.  I hope you can do the same.

After all, His grace IS sufficient for my every need.