Monday, January 27, 2014

More is Godly.

I know.

Strange title, right?

I can promise you this though, at the end of this blog, you will agree....or disagree.  But you will understand.

I saw this post on Facebook today that made me want to jump up and scream "Hallelujah, somebody else gets it!!!".

I didn't, only for the fact that my sweet husband lay asleep next to me after his night shift last night.  He will appreciate that. I feel sure!

The post was about a mom who doesn't appreciate the sexy selfies that are placed on social media for the whole world to look at, including her sons.

If you've never read it, you can find it here.

Now before you get all up in arms on me because you've posted one of these spoken pictures or your daughters currently do, just hear me out.

I don't have sons yet, so I'm speaking purely of my husband and future sons.

It drives me CRAZY to watch the things that are posted on social media.  It disgusts me.  I spend half my time hiding things on my newsfeed that I have no desire to look at, than actually using social media for it's intended purpose (whatever that is).

And the first thing I do is tell my husband, "Honey, be careful of your newsfeed today." And his response is either to hand me his phone so I can hide it or hide it immediately himself.  

I hope you aren't sitting there thinking that my husband MUST be a perv if his wife is having to do this for him.  BUT that's where you would be wrong.

First of all, my husband is FAR from a perv.  And secondly, I don't HAVE to do this.  I choose to.

I consider it my number one job to guard my husband's heart in any way possible.  I pray daily that God will shield his eyes from things around him so that he can share the gospel with a pure mind and eyes set on Christ.  I pray that God will give him strength to abstain from lusting of the eyes, not because I think he might lust, but because he is a man  and anyone who would argue the fact that men are visual creatures has never met a man!!!  Even Godly men still struggle with their flesh.  Not because they are pervs or WANT to look, but because their eyes are naturally drawn to things where the devil knows he can cause them to stumble.

Granted there are definitely men out there that, in fact, DO want to look and do nothing to prevent it.  But we aren't gonna visit that subject today.

I have read several blogs in to past where women writing about these things have received quite the lashings from readers saying that men are responsible for themselves and women shouldn't have to filter what they wear just because it may cause a man to stumble.  But think of it this way.  If you want to help someone who is struggling with alcoholism, do you invite them to your house and serve alcohol to everyone but them?  

Absolutely NOT!!!!  

As believers, we should be attempting to keep our brothers and sisters from stumbling under any circumstance. Not just lusting.  In the same way, before you get dressed in the morning or take that sexy picture, think about it....If someone was struggling with lust, would this help them stumble or keep them from it?

So back to what I was saying before....

My husband is everything to me.  And I choose daily to protect his eyes and his heart through prayer and through warning him when I see a potential problem.  

But HE protects himself also.  By prayer, yes definitely.  But also through turning his head when he sees something he shouldn't.  

When we watch TV, I don't have to say a word before he already has his head turned when the round girl comes out with her little sign and little outfit on UFC.  And when she is gone, I tell him it's safe.

I already know what you are thinking.

"He does it at home when he is WITH you, of course."

But guess what?!?!?  He does it away from home too!  Don't believe me?

Ask his friends that he watches UFC with.

One time, he played in a softball tournament with some guys. Some he knew well, some he didn't.  After the softball tournament, the guys decided to go to lunch.  Now Robert had carpooled with someone else so he was along for the ride regardless of where they went.  And guess where they picked to eat....Yep, you guessed it.....

HOOOTERS!!!

Robert chose to sit in the car while the other guys ate.  Did he catch flack about it.  I'm sure he did.  But did he waiver.  Nope.

While the other guys sat in hooters ogling breasts popping out of shirts and booties popping out of shorts, my husband sat in the car praying and counting the minutes until he could come home to his wife.  Not so he could sound like some upstanding man who does no wrong because he does his fair share of wrong, as we all do. But because he loves me with all his heart.  He loves me as the Bible says he should love me.

It sickens me to think of how those other wives must have felt when their husbands came home that day.  That's IF they even told their wives where they went.  I know some women who say it doesn't bother them when their husband eye balls another woman, but that is a flat out lie.

How can it not bother you?  How can it not bother you that when you are making love to your husband, it may not be you that he is seeing when he closes his eyes but rather the hooter's girl with perky boobs ten times the size of yours.  That is adultery.  Plain and simple.  The Bible calls it as such. And I don't care what you say.  Somewhere deep down, it HAS to bother you.  

On those days when nothing fits and you feel ugly and fat, tell me then it doesn't bother you.  On those days when you look in the mirror and realize what having kids has done to your once perky and flat body, tell me then it doesn't hurt that your husband would rather look a hooter's girl then his wife.

I. Don't. Believe. You.

God intended men to be protectors and lovers of their wives.  And that ladies, is part of the deal.  Your husband is protecting you when he shields his eyes from that kind of stuff. How so?

Because he is shielding himself from making his expectations of you comparable to fake boobs and always in the gym butts (sorry mom, hiney just didn't sound right for this one).  Let's face it ladies, how many of us look like that?

And even if you do.  Your husband will still wander with his eyes if you aren't praying for him daily and he isn't making the same effort to be as Christ like as possible.

So next time you decide to post a picture of yourself sunbathing or trying to get sympathy that you need to go to the gym by posting a picture of your already flat abs, think about it.  Does that picture have the potential to make young men, husbands, older men or even, other women who struggle with lusting, stumble?

If your answer is possibly, DON'T POST IT.

Don't be the reason that somebody stumbled in their walk.

Lots of men in this world are trying their hardest to be different and be like Christ.  You are expected to do the same if you are a believer.  Cover yourself up and be modest like a lady should be.

More is Godly when it comes to clothes and covering up.

Do it.  Be a respectable woman.  Be a woman that other women don't think twice about their husbands being around.  It will pay off.  I can promise you that.  And if you aren't married but waiting for the man that God has set aside for you, imagine how much more you will love and respect him when you know that he has set his mind to be pure for YOU!  And imagine how much sexier you will be to him when he knows that you have saved, not only your body, but even the looking of your body only for HIM.

Make that decision today to be a help to your brothers and sisters in Christ and not a hindrance.

1 Peter 3:3-4

Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.

1 Timothy 2:9-10

in like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing, 10 but, which is proper for women professing godliness, with good works.

Matthew 5:28

28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God;

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Stay and Wait.

What God has asked us to do for now.

Waiting has become such a major part of our lives.  And while I hate every minute of it, it is necessary for His working.

God continues to wake me up in the middle of the night and lay it on my heart to get up and write these blogs.  Granted, I wake up in the middle of the night ALOT due to working night shift, but these times are different.

I wake up out of a dead sleep and instantly a subject is laid upon my heart that I know I need to get up and write about at that very second.

And that's what I've done thus far....until this morning.

I laid in bed for 30 minutes, arguing with God about the subject He was calling me to write about.  It's one I feel very uncomfortable blogging about for the closeness of the situation.  That's all I feel like I can say.

Please bear with me.  My mind is working a thousand miles a minute for lack of better words and I'm not yet sure how this is going to sound after it's written.

I know of someone who is struggling right now.  Struggling in ways that I can't even begin to fathom.

I cried most of the day yesterday because of this person and situation.  At first for selfish reasons.  And then for her.  

This person is pregnant.  An unwanted pregnancy.  It hurts me physically to even type those words and re-read them.

This person is "weighing her options".  And it absolutely breaks my heart.

My first thought was, "Please, give me your baby".  That was in my selfishness.  I can't fathom the thought of us going through what we are going through and the hurt that we have and still do feel, while someone else is simply "weighing their options".

But it's not even about that.

It's not about me.  It's not about Robert.

It's about her.  And the sweet life that she carries within her.

My second thought was for her.  I want to run to her and tell her what her options are.  Adoption or parent.  Plain and simple.  

We have become so quick to seek that instant fix in this world and it infuriates me.  But I have to put my anger on hold because this girl needs me.

She needs my prayers and pleading on her behalf to an intolerant God about "options".  She needs grace.  She needs love.

As I sit here and write this I feel physically sick to my stomach.  I want to get on my knees and beg her not to do this.  But it wouldn't be heard because she is so disconnected at this point.

So, instead I'm on my knees begging God to change her heart.  Soften her heart to adoption.  I'm not asking for her baby for myself.  I know that's not what is meant to be for that baby or us.  I just simply am pleading for a life to be spared.  And someone else's life to be blessed with an immeasurable gift.

I have a dear friend who also knows about this situation.  We spoke yesterday on the phone and cried and pleaded on this baby's behalf.  She too is waiting for a very special gift.  And while she has kids already who she cherishes dearly, knows that her and her husband have been called to add another blessing to this already precious family. 

She is where I am now.  She's not asking for her baby.  Just for that sweet child to receive a chance at life.

I don't even know where else to go with this other than to beg every single one of you who will read this to please pray for this person and this precious life she harbors.

Pray that God lay His mighty hand on her very callused heart.  Pray that this child is spared their life.  Pray for her mindset to be changed about her "options".  Pray for the kids that she already has, that they may somehow be shown the light of Christ.

This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to pray about.  In my flesh I want to scream at her and let my anger come to the surface.  But James 1:19 says "So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to listen, slow to speak, slow to wrath;"

I can't yell at her to wake up and realize what she is saying.

I.  Must.  Pray.

Nothing else.  

So once again, here is your servant Lord...waiting.  Holding her breath while she stays the course and waits. Waits for a decision that either way, God will receive the glory for.  It hurts.  Physically, emotionally, mentally.  But ultimately, God is sovereign.  He already knows this child.  He already knows what will become of this situation.  He. already. knows.

I leave you with a song that has been on my heart for a while now. It seems to have become my theme song for these past weeks and months.  

I ask you, beg you, please pray.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Our decision. Not yours.

Sounds harsh, doesn't it?

It's not meant to.  But the truth of the matter is that when people start finding out about what you are going through, really in any storm of life, the "if I were yous" and "you should justs" start coming from every direction.

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm all for some advice.  

My mom always says, "Take all the advice you can get.  Then you can pick and choose what you want to use and what you don't."

And that works for most situations.  But not when it comes to matters like infertility.

I distinctly remember sitting in church one Sunday morning and hearing Dr. Joe Brown say something that has always stuck with me.  He said "You can't say what you would or wouldn't do until you are in that same situation yourself".  He's right.  You can imagine what you may or may not do but you never know for sure because when you aren't in that particular situation, you have a different mind set then when it actually happens.

Bet you are wondering where I'm going with this, don't you?

Well, let me get right down to it....

In the very beginning of this struggle we kept very quiet about all of this.  I was somehow ashamed or embarrassed that I had these issues.  Why as  women we get so bent out of shape about our bodies dysfunctions that we can't control, I will never understand.  

But we do.

For 3+ years, Robert and I have had (close your eyes mom) unprotected sex.  I have taken countless pregnancy tests.  I have "had" every single possible symptom of pregnancy known to man.  At one point I could have sworn my leg hair was growing faster than normal and just knew I was pregnant!

I mean seriously, Jen?????  Who monitors the rate of leg hair growth.

I'll tell you who.  The girl who wants so badly to be pregnant that she will take ANY symptom that comes along with it and not complain a single bit!  And that is another blog for another time...

I finally couldn't hold it in any longer.  I was tired of acting like nothing was wrong when I knew deep down that something was.  And it was starting to effect me by keeping it all in.

So I started talking.

And so did everyone else.

"You should go see the doctor."

"You should just stop trying." 

 By the way, if you are a married woman, how is that even possible?  Men like sex.  True story. Women (most women) like babies. That's a fact.  If you have a husband, you most likely are going to have sex.  And if you want a baby, I think you have to have sex for that too. Don't you?  If you know another way, PLEASE message me so we can meet for coffee!  So in order to use that advice, you want me to NOT have sex?  I'm confused!!!!

Anyways. Moving on.

"You should put a pillow under your hips and lay down for 30 minutes afterward."

"If I were you I would have your husband checked out."

It's exhausting!!!  If I used all that advice I would be laying down with a pillow under my hips at the doctor's office, NOT having sex, getting my husband checked out, all while standing on my head, taking special vitamins, with a thermometer in my mouth and peeing on an ovulation stick!

Whew!

But, you aren't me.

That's what I want to say but never do in fear of sounding rude.  Except that one day.  I went to lunch with some friends and that whole, "You should just", conversation started.  I burst into tears, and let out a "it's so easy for everyone to sit here and say what you would do but YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD DO BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE AND YOU AREN'T ME"!!!

That last part is in all caps because somehow at the end of my outburst I was on the verge of yelling.  And then came the embarrassment, as I could feel what seemed like the whole restaurants' worth of eyes staring at me wondering why somebody wasn't fitting this girl for a straight jacket.  I wanted to crawl under the table cloth. Needless to say the table got very quiet.

So with all that being said, let me tell you what WE are planning on doing, God willing of course.

We prayed a very long time about what God wanted for our lives.  And the answer we came up with was....

Adoption.

I always knew I wanted to grow my family through adoption.  So this really was no new news to me. Robert was completely on board at the first mention of adoption. And I was so thankful.  He is a good man.  I have read a lot of things that say that it sometimes takes some convincing for a man because women have that natural "nurture you whether you are my kid or the neighbor's kid" instinct but a man has to work at it a little harder.  Especially when the kid isn't his blood.  

I'm a lucky girl;)

At first we thought international.  And still are thinking that maybe that is our avenue.  But several doors for international adoption have been closed to us for now and that's okay.  We are not ruling anything out at this point in time.  We are exploring all of our options in domestic and international.

I worried for a long time about how people would react to knowing that the child that God brings into our lives was not "ours".  But the truth is, the child WILL be ours.  Just because I didn't carry that baby for 9 months doesn't make him or her any less mine than if I did.  It is just the same.

Romans 8:15 says "For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father"."

That child will call Robert and I, daddy and mommy just like a child that we conceived on our own.  And we will love them no differently.

God spiritually adopted me and He loved me enough to send HIS son to die on a cross for  my sins that He didn't even commit.

And if you don't understand that, or would do it differently, it doesn't matter because you aren't us!

Jesus set the example for us on how to love. End of story.

So next time you are listening to someone's struggle, before you so quickly jump to give advice, stop and think about it.

A good question to ask yourself would be "Is this what he/she needs to hear right now?" or would a simple, "I can't understand what you are going through because I've never been there . But what I can tell you is that I'm praying for God's sovereign hand to be at work in your life and I pray that He gives you His peace that passes all understanding." be more well received?

Because at the end of the day, it's not your decision to make. It's theirs   And their goal in life isn't or shouldn't be to do what YOU would do, but instead, what Christ would do.


"A Father of the fatherless, a defender of the widows, Is God in His holy habitation." Psalm 68:5

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Blogging...Really???

It's just something I never saw myself doing.  Besides, both of us work full time in addition to Robert being a part time youth pastor, which most days turns into full time, who has time to sit down and blog?!?!

RIGHT???

But I knew that using this blog as an outlet to get out all the feelings and emotions that I have and will be feeling in the coming months ahead was essential.  I'm also with hopes that I may reach someone who is going through the same struggles, and needs to know that they aren't alone. 

Hi.  My name is Jen and I struggle with infertility.  I'm married to Robert and because of me, he struggles with infertility also.

I don't mean that to sound like I'm blaming myself but it's the truth and I plan to be brutally honest in this blog.  So let's just call it like it is.

The above statement is my disclaimer if you choose to continue reading.....

Still with me?

Okay, good.  Let's continue.

I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) in combination with chronic ovulation issues.  We have been through some fertility treatments but nothing has seemed to work.  

But I already knew that they wouldn't.

Wait, what???

Yep, you read that right.

I knew from the time I was in high school that I wasn't going to be able to get pregnant.  At least not easily.  If you would have asked me why I felt that way, I wouldn't have had an answer.  

I. Just. Knew.

I believe that God was preparing my heart for this journey that my husband and I would embark upon together.

So here we are, 3 years and some change after the day we said "I do".  And no baby...yet.

We knew we wanted to have kids soon after we got married but God has other plans for us.

His Word tells us in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has a plan for us.  And that plan, is to prosper us and not to harm us.  To give us a hope and a future.

I'm totally paraphrasing that verse so if you aren't familiar with it, GO LOOK IT UP!!!!!

I gotta tell ya...my faith is strong. But sometimes, that verse is HARD to believe.

Those times when I'm laying in bed crying because my arms ache for a child.  Or when I'm sitting in church watching a baby dedication, which to a woman with infertility is a bitter reminder of what she doesn't or can't have.  And mother's day...don't even get me started on that one.

Sure I know that God has my best interest at heart.  But my flesh gets the better of me from time to time.  The devil creeps right in and says...

"Jen, if God loves you so much and wants to prosper you, then why won't He give YOU a child. He doesn't love or care about you."

And the truth is, I don't know why God chooses who He chooses to be the receiver of this gift called infertility.

Yes, I just referred to it as a gift.

The reason for that is because, well,  isn't everything given by God, a gift?  I think so.

It may not be a gift we want.  But it is from Him.  Sometimes I think how privileged I am that He chose me instead of someone else who maybe couldn't have handled it.  Maybe because they didn't have the right faith.

But then there are THOSE days.

The days when I cry and complain because I so badly want to give this gift back.

But WHO does that?!?!?

So I pray and cry and plead.....And pray. And cry. And plead some more.

But the same answer always comes.

"My grace is sufficient for you."

Recognize that?  I hope you do.  It's from I Corinthians 12 when Paul is pleading with the Lord about the thorn in his flesh.  He pleaded with Him 3 times (which I think is great seeing as how I plead just about EVERYDAY...10 times a day) for this thorn to depart from him.

But it doesn't.  The Lord replies to Paul "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”

So, I say okay.  And I let it rest...for the moment.  It's a good thing we serve a patient God because I can imagine that if He wasn't, I would certainly be trying His patience by now.

All I know is that God's plan to prosper me is not going to look like what I think it should look like.  And thank goodness it doesn't because I would probably be a hot mess.

A HOTTER mess then I am right now!

That's where I'll leave you for now.  If you have a minute in your busy day, take some time to read the story about Paul and his thorn.  We all have some kind of thorn.  And if you know what it is, I pray that you will find comfort in that area of God's precious Word.  And if you don't know, pray about it.  Something WILL be revealed to you.

I'm gonna try and focus today on what God HAS given me as opposed to what He HASN'T given me.  I hope you can do the same.

After all, His grace IS sufficient for my every need.