And then there were 3.

Wow...I’m officially the WORST blogger ever!  What’s it been...a year...or so??

In all honesty, for awhile there was nothing to blog about in our little world except maybe some heartache.  But that heartache flew right out the window and lately, I’ve had better things to do than blog. Like take care of our precious addition to the Mayfield family.  

By now most of you know that we adopted our daughter, Selah Faith, in May!  My mom brought it to my attention that what most of you do not know is the story leading up to Selah’s birth.  Well consider yourselves up to date after reading this post:) Hang in there...it’s gonna be a long one.

It’s so funny to me thinking back now about how all this happened.  We were beaten down, weary and discouraged in the whole adoption world.  But God is faithful.  And He certainly showed us what favor looks like.  

My grandmother passed away in January here in NC with her family after a very long battle with pancreatic cancer. We decided, as a family, that we would wait to have a celebration of her life until we could all be together at her home church in Florida where she and my grandfather lived. 

The service was to be held February 7th, 2015.  My sister, her husband, and their 2.5 girls (Harper wasn’t going to make an appearance until April) were going to be traveling down the same day as Robert and I so we decided to all ride down together. At this point we had made a trip to Florida in December to go get my grandma and bring her to NC, a trip in January for a planned family Disney vacation and now were headed back down in February.  Little did I know I was going to spend part of 2 more months of the year in Florida also. 

We left Thursday morning after poor Robert had worked all night. We swung by his work and picked him up and we were on our way.  Around 9 am or so, my friend Leigh texted me and said that she saw one of her friends, who had adopted last summer, post on FB that adoption was a beautiful thing and that if anyone was home study ready and waiting, he knew of a situation in which a sweet baby needed to find their forever home.  Multiple people responded to this post, Leigh being one of those posters on our behalf.  She texted me the attorney’s phone number and said “Jen, you have to call her.  My friend called the attorney on your behalf and told her to be expecting your phone call!”.  As I shared this information with everyone in the car, the excitement grew.  Of course along with the excitement came the doubt.  But we pushed that to the side and called the number and left a voicemail.

The next couple hours were spent talking and laughing with everyone and not even really thinking about what had just taken place in the previous hours.

Around 11:30 am my phone rang from a strange number and to my surprise it was the attorney.  She quickly rattled off the few details she had about the situation and asked if we may be interested.  She knew nothing about the baby as far as due date, sex, or even if the baby was healthy.  Robert and I agreed that it sounded like something we would like to pursue and with that the attorney asked if we could send our profile to her because she was meeting with the birth mom at 12:00 pm that day to present 2 other families profiles, plus ours.  Panic set in as we tried to pull 6 months worth of work together to send within 15 minutes so that she could print the stuff off to take with her.  Keep in mind we were in the car!  My sister jumped into action taking screen shots of our adoption album and putting them into word documents all while Robert and I were frantically typing up an email on an iPad describing ourselves, what we do for a living, and why we wanted to adopt.  Talk about stress.  My hands were shaking so bad and I couldn’t think!  We sent it around 11:45 am and I immediately called the attorney to let her know it was coming in 2 emails.  I got her voicemail.  And instantly I was flooded with worry that it wouldn’t get there in time.  We all prayed together that if this was God’s will that the birth mom’s heart would be open to us and she would choose us.

The rest of the day was no more than driving, talking and laughing and for Robert, sleeping.  At 4:45 pm my phone rang again and this time I recognized the attorney’s number.  I answered the phone unsure of what this conversation would hold.  This is what I heard. “Jen, I was given strict instructions to give you a message. Congratulations!  It’s a girl!”  I couldn’t speak.  All I could do was reach over and nudge smack Robert to wake him up.  He sat up startled and all I could manage to utter was “we got the baby...and it’s a girl!”.  We were overwhelmed.  I still couldn’t speak a complete sentence at this point so the attorney said let me give you a second to digest everything while I tell you what I learned today.  Oddly enough, an ultrasound had been done prior to the attorney meeting with the birth mom that day so she learned the sex of the baby and that she appeared to be healthy on the ultrasound.  I had the phone on speaker and good thing I did because we certainly needed more than just Robert and I listening to the details.  When we hung up the phone I asked "when is the due date again?”. Ha.  Pure shock.  We prayed again and thanked God for His faithfulness, His sovereignty, His goodness, and His favor and mercy.  Then the phone calls started.  We called my dad and mom, Robert’s dad and of course Leigh who started all of this! The crazy part?  The baby was going to be born in Florida.  We were in Florida!  Driving right past our baby.  And had driven right past our baby in December and January too!  

Fast forward to May 13th.  The expected arrival date of our girl.  After several grueling weeks of waiting and anxiety and all the unknowns, May 13th came and went.  As a labor and delivery nurse, this part killed me!  I wanted to be there.  I wanted to see for myself that they were both okay.  I loved both our birth mom and our baby already and I wanted to know they were both safe.  It was torture.  But then May 20th came.  I was just getting ready to get out of bed.  It was a few minutes to 9 am.  My phone rang.  It was odd for the attorney to be calling in the morning and I knew this was it!  “They are taking her to the hospital right now to do a C-section.”  I jumped out of bed.  “Okay.  We will be on the road within the hour.”  I called Robert who was in a training class after working all night.  No answer.  He texted me.  “I can’t talk.  Is this about the baby?”  YES!!!!  SHE’S COMING! I’m pretty sure when he got home, the scene he saw probably looked like pure chaos.  I was throwing clothes in suitcases as fast as I could.  No folding involved.  We were on the road by 11 am.

I won’t bore you with the traveling details.  But I will say this...I may or may not have gotten pulled over in SC for speeding.  And I may or may not have played the “we are on the way to FL to meet our daughter for the first time.  She is about to come into this world and we need to be there” card.  The state patrolman was the nicest guy EVER and said okay just be careful!  It’s about to be memorial day weekend and there will be a lot of us clocking speeders.  Congratulations!  Now go get your daughter! Whew...If by some slim chance that state patrolman reads this and recognizes this story, THANK YOU!

The attorney called me a little later and said she was scheduled to be sectioned at 2 pm and everything was okay.

I had my phone music playing on shuffle and was singing along to keep myself occupied while Robert slept.  I kid you not, at 2 pm, the song “On Loan From Heaven” came on randomly and I instantly burst into tears.  I took a picture because I knew no one would believe me!

We swapped drivers around 5 pm or so and boy am I glad we did.  Soon after I got the best text ever.  6 lbs 12 oz 19.5 inches long and healthy.  And then a picture.  Selah and her sweet first mama.  We cried.  We thanked God for this precious gift.  We cried some more.  We shared pictures with our family.  And we basked in the glow of new proud parents.

We arrived at the hospital about 7:30 pm.  The attorney met us there.  I remember trying to sort through what I was feeling at that very moment but I just couldn’t.  I wasn’t even sure what I felt.  It was nerves or excitement or thankfulness or maybe all of those together.  I don’t know.  I just remember thinking that I had never felt like that before and it almost wasn’t a good feeling because it was so overwhelming!  The ride up the elevator seemed like we hit every floor about 10 times before we made it to our floor.  My face felt flush and hot and I could feel hot tears welling up in my eyes as I looked up at Robert and we read each other’s thoughts.  We were about to meet our daughter. And all the months of hurt and disappointment and clinging to our faith and anticipation had led up to this exact moment.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to utter a word past the huge lump in my throat.  We walked in the nursery and had to show our ID’s and sign some papers before we could see her but little did the nurse and social worker know, we had already spotted her.  She was all the way across the nursery under the baby warmer in nothing but a diaper after having had her bath.  She was amongst a LOT of other babies and how we knew it was her I’ll never know.  But we did.  The nurse said she needed to check her temp and dress her and then we could take her to the little private area and hold her.  The nurse in me couldn’t help but speak up and ask if I could dress her myself.  The nurse half rolling her eyes said “I guess.  Oh, you’re the labor and delivery nurse aren’t you?”.  I proudly said yes, I was, but that had nothing to do with it.  I had just been made a mom.  HER mom.  And as minute an event as dressing your baby for the first time seemed to that nurse, I had waited a long time to do it and I wanted to.  We spent some time with Selah that night snuggling and snapping tons of pictures of course.  We finally pried ourselves away around 10 pm.  That walk to the car was terrible.  We both cried.  Leaving her was not a good feeling.

We spent the next couple of days visiting her in the hospital.  And then Saturday we got to take her to our temporary home in Jacksonville, FL to meet up with my parents.  We all spent the weekend taking in this sweet precious little baby.  It was the sweetest time.  Due to some paperwork issues I got stuck in Florida for 23 days while Robert had to go back to NC to work.  I stayed with a friends aunt and uncle (Ken and Judy) in Jacksonville who took me and Selah in as their own.  They were wonderful!  They will now be a forever part of our little family!

So there you have it!  Hopefully you’re still with me and you enjoyed our story.  God continues to amaze me everyday when I look at this sweet gift He’s entrusted us with.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of those who prayed for us and waited anxiously with us for Selah’s arrival.  Robert and I could have never gotten through all of this without all of your support and prayers.  Keep watching for more blogs.  There is so much more in my head but for a later time:)

“Who is the King of glory?  

The Lord of host, 

He is the King of Glory.

                                            Selah”  Psalms 24:10

Just after we found out that we were going to be parents in May!

Mama and Selah’s first picture!

Daddy and Selah’s first picture!

Time to go “home”!

Mayfield...party of 3:)

First night in the extended stay!

Family beach trip to Jacksonville beach.

Judy, Jen, Ken and Selah

Yes you were precious girl.

Announcement:)

“So far, no morning sickness...but the paper cuts are terrible!”

We have been officially paper pregnant since July 10, 2014!

Coming soon....Baby Mayfield:)

"For You formed my inward parts;

You covered me in my mother’s womb.

14 

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my soul knows very well.” Psalm 139:13-14

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,


The thought of you coming into my life overwhelms this mama's heart with so much joy.  I always have known that I would meet you some day.  I also have known that it was possible to love someone before you've even met them.  I realized this when I was praying for God to bring your daddy into my life.  I knew he was out there somewhere, I just didn't know where.  But the moment your daddy first kissed me, I knew he was the one I had been praying for and setting my love aside for.  


Now, we say this about you.  I love you sweet baby.  More than I think anyone has every loved another being.  I don’t know where you are right now but I pray everyday that God is forming you and making you just for me.  And I know He is.  You and your daddy are gonna be best friends!  And me and you?  Inseparable.  


But as much as me and your daddy love you, God loves you even more.  I don't know you yet.  I don't know what you look like or if you have hair or not.  I don't know what color your skin is or even your eyes.  I have no idea if you are a boy or a girl.  But God does.  And that brings me great joy and comfort. 


I want you to know how much we have wanted you.  There is nothing that will every change this feeling.  Nothing you can do or say will make us stop wanting or loving you.  You are so special and were made perfectly to be just who God intended you to be.  


Your first mommy loves you too.  I pray fervently that you are growing strong in her tummy and that God keeps her out of harms way to protect your fragile life.  I want you to know that God is working on her heart right now to bring you to me and your daddy.  It will not be an easy decision for her to let you go so that you can be with us.  But she loves you enough to know that it is what's best for you.  And I can only pray that she sees how much you will be loved in our arms.  


As much as I want to call you ours, I can't.  Because you are not going to be ours at all.  You belong to your heavenly Father and we will raise you so that one day, with much prayer, He will be yours also.  More than anyone in this entire world, even me and daddy, He loves you unconditionally and He longs for you to know Him.


You, little one, are an answer to many prayers, by many people who love you already. And no matter how tired I am, how covered in your spit up and poop, how cranky you are, how much sleep I may miss, how many times I hear the question “why”, how many times we may have disagreements because you don’t think me and your dad know how it feels to be a teenager and how many mistakes you make, I will ALWAYS love you.  Nothing you can do will ever change that.


So, precious child, on those days when this world tells you that you aren’t good enough, you come home to me, your mom, who loved you before she met you and I will remind you that you are covered in His fingerprints.  That you. Are. His.

All my love,

Mom

The ride.

The adoption understatement of the century.

To say that this process is an emotional roller coaster would be like equating a tornado to a light rain storm.

Emotional roller coaster doesn't begin to describe it.  BUT...it is a beautiful journey.  On the ups AND the downs.

I can honestly say we haven't had too many downs just yet.  While we have definitely had our days of just longing to hold our sweet baby and desiring for this process to be over, we realize how fortunate we are to have had it as "easy" as we have.

For the most part, everything up until this point has gone pretty smoothly and we are SO beyond thankful for that!  We know there are hard days ahead along with difficult decisions to be made, but that never changes our confidence in the fact that God is sovereign and knows exactly when, and what, is right for us and our, soon-to-be, new extended family!

And...

We. Are. Excited.

Saturday (it's 10 minutes past midnight as I'm writing this), we attended our all day adoption workshop.  We heard from adoptive families and also a birthmother.  It was amazing.  And it really confirmed for Robert and I both that we are where God has intended for us to be.

With that being said, I want to update you on where that is exactly.

And I think you will be on the edge of your seat when I am finished.  So buckle up...Here we go.

We are now officially in the home study phase of adoption.  If you don't know anything about adoption, this is essentially the last phase before placement.

From this point on out, if you question us about the process, our answer will simply be that.  We are in the home study phase.

The reason for this is that once we receive placement of a baby, we MUST go off the radar for something called the "legal risk" period.  This is to protect all parties involved.

I realize that this is going to be difficult to not shout from the rooftops, but it is necessary.

My advice to you, as I know that most of you are just as, if not MORE excited then we are, (Nana and Pop Pop) is to be patient with us.  If you don't see us for a time, celebrate and give thanks for, and with us, without asking to many questions that we won't be able to answer.  And most of all, pray.

Pray for that precious birthmother that more than likely has some difficult days ahead.  Pray for us and our new addition.  We've never had a baby before and we will be new to each other.   Pray for our family.  This is new to everyone related to us!  Mainly, give praise and thanks to our faithful, gracious, merciful God.  He is good and deserves our praises!

And IF, after some time, you happen to see us with the baby and are tempted to shout it on social media or snap a picture and post to Instagram  please, please, please DON'T!!!  Wait for us to say "go". If you aren't sure, ask us!  We will be happy to tell you where we are in that critical period.

So there you have it.

I know.  Just enough information to know just how close we really are and make you want more.  Trust me.  We feel it too!  Knowing that we could possibly be a couple months away from seeing that sweet face is torture.  But again, when all this started, God asked us to stay and wait.  So that's what we will continue to do until He says "it's time".

And when He does, oh, I can only imagine.

In the meantime, can I ask you to continue to pray and share???  Also, please continue to share our fundraising website!  We are completely trusting that God will provide what we need!  You can access that here.

Saying "thank you" just doesn't seem to encompass how grateful Robert and I really are toward all of our supporters!  Just know how much we love you and thank God for each of you!

Much love.

The Mayfields x2...soon to be 3:)

Though you slay me.

Robert and I LOVE music and we ofen look for songs that are meaningful to us and our daily walk with Christ.  This song gets me through some of my hardest days and I pray that God will use it in your life also if you are going through struggles.  Listen to John Piper's message in the middle.  It's powerful and comforting.  God is good.  And He is faithful in every aspect of life.  Praise Him.  Bless His name.  Sing to Him.  After all, He died on a cross for YOU!!!!



"Though tonight I'm crying out, let this cup pass from me now. You're still more than I need. You're enough for me. Though you slay me, yet I will praise you.  Though you take from me, I will bless your name.  Though you ruin me, still I will worship.  Sing a song to the one who's all I need."

12 But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel, 13 so that it has become evident to the whole palace guard, and to all the rest, that my chains are in Christ; 14 and most of the brethren in the Lord, having become confident by my chains, are much more bold to speak the word without fear.

19 For I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayer and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, 20 according to my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live isChrist, and to die is gain. 22 But if I live on in the flesh, this will mean fruit from my labor; yet what I shall choose I cannot tell. 23 For[c] I am hard-pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better. 24 Nevertheless to remain in the flesh is more needful for you. 25 And being confident of this, I know that I shall remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy of faith, 26 that your rejoicing for me may be more abundant in Jesus Christ by my coming to you again.

-Philippians 1:12-14, 19-26

I encourage you to read the book of Philippians if you are suffering.  Paul gives some comforting words there and in them I find rest and peace.  "To live is Christ and to die is gain"

It isn't funny

April Fool's day.

A day I have been dreading for 2 weeks.

Why?

Because on this day, every year, so many get their heart's bruised from a simple joke that was meant to entertain, but instead it unintentionally hurts.

I'm not a fan of beating a dead horse and I know that many have seen or know my concern for social media posts that can damage hearts of infertile women, but I just want to give a gentle reminder before you hit "post" on that dagger of an April Fool's joke.

1. Infertility hurts. As if I even need to go any further.  Everyday I wake up hoping to miss the all to common social media pregnancy announcement.  It's not that I'm not happy for you.  Or that I can't understand the excitement you must be feeling.  Actually, it's just the opposite. I CAN understand.  Because there are days when I sit and daydream about what it would be like for me to post just the same.  Or to think about how we would tell.  So when I see you post a joke about being pregnant to get a rise out of people, it hurts me.  Down to the deepest part of my heart that aches everyday for that baby to be mine.  Hurts me in knowing that what I pray so hard for everyday, is something that you take lightly enough to joke about.  I know in my heart that you don't mean for it to hurt me.  But the devil creeps in and says "Doesn't that make you furious?  That person doesn't care about you or your feelings."  I know that not to be true.   So I pray for God's comfort and peace to surround me and my throbbing heart.  And He always comes through.  But, somehow it's still there the next day.  It's a daily struggle.  Just don't do it.  Think of something really outlandish that no one would expect, like I'm moving to an exotic island for a job offer.  Just please, please, please stay away from anything that involves growing a human life inside of you.

2. Loss.  It's a little word we all wish we could avoid.  But unfortunately,  it can't be avoided.  Everyday there are couples who miscarry, have a stillbirth, find that the excitement of their pregnancy is going to come to a screeching halt because their baby has a disease or genetic malfunction that is not compatible with life, and on and on and on.  Don't believe me?  Come job shadow me one day.  And that's just one labor and delivery unit.  Think about all the same units across the world.  And wouldn't you feel terrible if the same day that someone, who just isn't ready to talk, but knows it needs to be told, posts on a social media site their heartbreak, only to see your "joke" of a pregnancy announcement.  Is it worth it?

3. Some people DO use social media for serious matters.  I see it everyday.  Pictures of kids and families, graduation announcements, announcement of births, deaths and everything in between, requests for prayer, excitement over new jobs and so on.  Yes social media is meant to be fun.  But it is also a way for others to communicate to the masses of serious matters and about life in general.  That's serious to me!  I wanna celebrate with you and grieve with you and pray for you all at the same time if need be.  And if it weren't for social media, most of those things would never be shared.  Not to long ago I saw this on Facebook: 

"Wow...I can't believe people take that "game" so seriously...people that take fb too seriously don't need to be on fb if things like this hurt their feelings.  And that my friend...is my opinion :D"

Tears streamed down my face after reading this.  Not because it was a friend who wrote it.  In all honesty, I didn't even know the person.  But it hurt.  And it made me hurt for others that would read it also.  If you post pictures of your family or even of yourself, then you are using social media in a serious matter.  If you write anything about your life, job, family, kids, loss, suffering or prayer needs on social media, then you are using it in a serious way.  Why?  Because those ARE serious things.  Just be careful and be conscious.  And that my friends...is my opinion.

So there you have it.  Just a few reasons why you shouldn't do it.  You may read this and think I'm the most ridiculous person on the face of this planet.  And that's okay.  But the fact is, if you haven't experienced what I'm going through in life or vice versa, how can you or I say it doesn't hurt.  You can't.

My prayer is that none of you reading this CAN ever know what I'm going through.  Because that would mean that you too feel as I do some days.  And that hurts me for you.  But I know that it's simply impossible for everyone reading this to have no problems with conceiving, or losing a child or baby.  So today my prayer is for all of you that ARE struggling with infertility, loss or failed adoption.  May God be with you on this silly day of "harmless" jokes and pranks.

Today, try and be a blessing to someone who needs it.  Stand up for those that you know may be hurt because of the above stated things.  Even if it isn't you, yourself.  Sometimes just a gentle reminder is all it takes.

With much love my friends,

Jen

7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:7

The adoption blues

It sounds so silly to say I have what I like to call the "adoption blues".  I'm convinced it's the same as postpartum depression.

Clarification: I'm not depressed...just a little sad these last 2 days.

Why, you may ask???

Just the devil creeping in telling me this will never happen.

Yesterday I had a weepy couple of hours as I sorted through all the things I need to accomplish in the next 30ish days to complete our formal application for our home study.

Oh, by the way, our preliminary application was approved and in record time, making me question if they even read what is submitted.  I like to think so, seeing as how it took me forever!!!

But that preliminary application, was a walk in the sunny park with daisies and ice cream cones compared to the formal application.

I cried for the first time yesterday.

Not gonna lie.

I was worried.

Worried that there was no possible way I would ever finish all of the things that need to be done before our home study.

And not only is it a lot of stuff, but extremely personal also.

Like, things you don't even tell your mother, kinda personal.  I'll let your imagination wonder on that.

Today I had another meltdown when I talked to one of my co-workers who is like a mom to everyone.  I burst into tears and blurted out this long run on sentence about how I was so worried about completing all of this stuff and I just wanted to give up and say forget it.

But she reassured me that we have come to far to turn back now and I needed to take a deep breath, step away from the edge of the cliff I was on and pray about it.

I felt convicted in that very moment.  I was in the middle of Harris Teeter and I had to stop and just ask God for forgiveness.  I had lost complete and total faith that God is so much bigger than an adoption application and He was perfectly capable of handling this.  I had taken all of this "stuff" upon myself for me to handle and the thing is, without Him, I CAN'T handle it.

I had a revelation at that moment.  Something that my sweet friend, Missi, had said to me a couple months ago that became very real to me in that moment.  Her family is adopting also and while they are much further in the process than Robert and I, she still has up's and down's when it comes to emotions.  What she said that day hadn't really hit me until right then.

She said, "One this is for sure.  Adoption is not for the weary at heart."

Those words flooded my mind and heart.  But true to His nature, God reassured me with one of His comforts from His precious word.

"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." Galatians 6:9

One version says "if we faint not" which really cracks me up because God has such a sense of humor.  You don't know how true that felt yesterday and today!

I realized that adoption isn't for the weary but neither is being a Christian or sharing the Gospel!  God never promised in His word that the race would be easy.  But He did promise that He would never leave us alone and that He would always be there to comfort us.  All we have to do is ask Him.

So, I got myself together.  Dried my face.  Try to shrug off all the people staring at me like I was in the middle of an emotional breakdown and was about to run the aisles and knock everything off the shelves.

And I prayed.

Prayed that God would give me the strength to finish these tasks.  Prayed that He would wrap His arms around me AND my weary heart and comfort me in that moment to know that He is God.  He is sovereign.  And He is good.

I checked a lot of things off the to do list tonight and plan to check a couple more off tomorrow!  And that's all I can do.  A little at a time.  But most of all, I have to remember to let go of these stresses that I try to control and let God take the drivers seat.  It's hard.  But it's necessary.

Are you holding onto something tonight that is maybe causing you more stress than you care to bear?  Let me encourage you to ask God to take it from you.

He will.  I promise.

And so does He!