Tuesday, March 4, 2014

The adoption blues

It sounds so silly to say I have what I like to call the "adoption blues".  I'm convinced it's the same as postpartum depression.

Clarification: I'm not depressed...just a little sad these last 2 days.

Why, you may ask???

Just the devil creeping in telling me this will never happen.

Yesterday I had a weepy couple of hours as I sorted through all the things I need to accomplish in the next 30ish days to complete our formal application for our home study.

Oh, by the way, our preliminary application was approved and in record time, making me question if they even read what is submitted.  I like to think so, seeing as how it took me forever!!!

But that preliminary application, was a walk in the sunny park with daisies and ice cream cones compared to the formal application.

I cried for the first time yesterday.

Not gonna lie.

I was worried.

Worried that there was no possible way I would ever finish all of the things that need to be done before our home study.

And not only is it a lot of stuff, but extremely personal also.

Like, things you don't even tell your mother, kinda personal.  I'll let your imagination wonder on that.

Today I had another meltdown when I talked to one of my co-workers who is like a mom to everyone.  I burst into tears and blurted out this long run on sentence about how I was so worried about completing all of this stuff and I just wanted to give up and say forget it.

But she reassured me that we have come to far to turn back now and I needed to take a deep breath, step away from the edge of the cliff I was on and pray about it.

I felt convicted in that very moment.  I was in the middle of Harris Teeter and I had to stop and just ask God for forgiveness.  I had lost complete and total faith that God is so much bigger than an adoption application and He was perfectly capable of handling this.  I had taken all of this "stuff" upon myself for me to handle and the thing is, without Him, I CAN'T handle it.

I had a revelation at that moment.  Something that my sweet friend, Missi, had said to me a couple months ago that became very real to me in that moment.  Her family is adopting also and while they are much further in the process than Robert and I, she still has up's and down's when it comes to emotions.  What she said that day hadn't really hit me until right then.

She said, "One this is for sure.  Adoption is not for the weary at heart."

Those words flooded my mind and heart.  But true to His nature, God reassured me with one of His comforts from His precious word.

"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." Galatians 6:9

One version says "if we faint not" which really cracks me up because God has such a sense of humor.  You don't know how true that felt yesterday and today!

I realized that adoption isn't for the weary but neither is being a Christian or sharing the Gospel!  God never promised in His word that the race would be easy.  But He did promise that He would never leave us alone and that He would always be there to comfort us.  All we have to do is ask Him.

So, I got myself together.  Dried my face.  Try to shrug off all the people staring at me like I was in the middle of an emotional breakdown and was about to run the aisles and knock everything off the shelves.

And I prayed.

Prayed that God would give me the strength to finish these tasks.  Prayed that He would wrap His arms around me AND my weary heart and comfort me in that moment to know that He is God.  He is sovereign.  And He is good.

I checked a lot of things off the to do list tonight and plan to check a couple more off tomorrow!  And that's all I can do.  A little at a time.  But most of all, I have to remember to let go of these stresses that I try to control and let God take the drivers seat.  It's hard.  But it's necessary.

Are you holding onto something tonight that is maybe causing you more stress than you care to bear?  Let me encourage you to ask God to take it from you.

He will.  I promise.

And so does He!