Blogging...Really???

It's just something I never saw myself doing.  Besides, both of us work full time in addition to Robert being a part time youth pastor, which most days turns into full time, who has time to sit down and blog?!?!

RIGHT???

But I knew that using this blog as an outlet to get out all the feelings and emotions that I have and will be feeling in the coming months ahead was essential.  I'm also with hopes that I may reach someone who is going through the same struggles, and needs to know that they aren't alone. 

Hi.  My name is Jen and I struggle with infertility.  I'm married to Robert and because of me, he struggles with infertility also.

I don't mean that to sound like I'm blaming myself but it's the truth and I plan to be brutally honest in this blog.  So let's just call it like it is.

The above statement is my disclaimer if you choose to continue reading.....

Still with me?

Okay, good.  Let's continue.

I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) in combination with chronic ovulation issues.  We have been through some fertility treatments but nothing has seemed to work.  

But I already knew that they wouldn't.

Wait, what???

Yep, you read that right.

I knew from the time I was in high school that I wasn't going to be able to get pregnant.  At least not easily.  If you would have asked me why I felt that way, I wouldn't have had an answer.  

I. Just. Knew.

I believe that God was preparing my heart for this journey that my husband and I would embark upon together.

So here we are, 3 years and some change after the day we said "I do".  And no baby...yet.

We knew we wanted to have kids soon after we got married but God has other plans for us.

His Word tells us in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has a plan for us.  And that plan, is to prosper us and not to harm us.  To give us a hope and a future.

I'm totally paraphrasing that verse so if you aren't familiar with it, GO LOOK IT UP!!!!!

I gotta tell ya...my faith is strong. But sometimes, that verse is HARD to believe.

Those times when I'm laying in bed crying because my arms ache for a child.  Or when I'm sitting in church watching a baby dedication, which to a woman with infertility is a bitter reminder of what she doesn't or can't have.  And mother's day...don't even get me started on that one.

Sure I know that God has my best interest at heart.  But my flesh gets the better of me from time to time.  The devil creeps right in and says...

"Jen, if God loves you so much and wants to prosper you, then why won't He give YOU a child. He doesn't love or care about you."

And the truth is, I don't know why God chooses who He chooses to be the receiver of this gift called infertility.

Yes, I just referred to it as a gift.

The reason for that is because, well,  isn't everything given by God, a gift?  I think so.

It may not be a gift we want.  But it is from Him.  Sometimes I think how privileged I am that He chose me instead of someone else who maybe couldn't have handled it.  Maybe because they didn't have the right faith.

But then there are THOSE days.

The days when I cry and complain because I so badly want to give this gift back.

But WHO does that?!?!?

So I pray and cry and plead.....And pray. And cry. And plead some more.

But the same answer always comes.

"My grace is sufficient for you."

Recognize that?  I hope you do.  It's from I Corinthians 12 when Paul is pleading with the Lord about the thorn in his flesh.  He pleaded with Him 3 times (which I think is great seeing as how I plead just about EVERYDAY...10 times a day) for this thorn to depart from him.

But it doesn't.  The Lord replies to Paul "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”

So, I say okay.  And I let it rest...for the moment.  It's a good thing we serve a patient God because I can imagine that if He wasn't, I would certainly be trying His patience by now.

All I know is that God's plan to prosper me is not going to look like what I think it should look like.  And thank goodness it doesn't because I would probably be a hot mess.

A HOTTER mess then I am right now!

That's where I'll leave you for now.  If you have a minute in your busy day, take some time to read the story about Paul and his thorn.  We all have some kind of thorn.  And if you know what it is, I pray that you will find comfort in that area of God's precious Word.  And if you don't know, pray about it.  Something WILL be revealed to you.

I'm gonna try and focus today on what God HAS given me as opposed to what He HASN'T given me.  I hope you can do the same.

After all, His grace IS sufficient for my every need.