Stay and Wait.

What God has asked us to do for now.

Waiting has become such a major part of our lives.  And while I hate every minute of it, it is necessary for His working.

God continues to wake me up in the middle of the night and lay it on my heart to get up and write these blogs.  Granted, I wake up in the middle of the night ALOT due to working night shift, but these times are different.

I wake up out of a dead sleep and instantly a subject is laid upon my heart that I know I need to get up and write about at that very second.

And that's what I've done thus far....until this morning.

I laid in bed for 30 minutes, arguing with God about the subject He was calling me to write about.  It's one I feel very uncomfortable blogging about for the closeness of the situation.  That's all I feel like I can say.

Please bear with me.  My mind is working a thousand miles a minute for lack of better words and I'm not yet sure how this is going to sound after it's written.

I know of someone who is struggling right now.  Struggling in ways that I can't even begin to fathom.

I cried most of the day yesterday because of this person and situation.  At first for selfish reasons.  And then for her.  

This person is pregnant.  An unwanted pregnancy.  It hurts me physically to even type those words and re-read them.

This person is "weighing her options".  And it absolutely breaks my heart.

My first thought was, "Please, give me your baby".  That was in my selfishness.  I can't fathom the thought of us going through what we are going through and the hurt that we have and still do feel, while someone else is simply "weighing their options".

But it's not even about that.

It's not about me.  It's not about Robert.

It's about her.  And the sweet life that she carries within her.

My second thought was for her.  I want to run to her and tell her what her options are.  Adoption or parent.  Plain and simple.  

We have become so quick to seek that instant fix in this world and it infuriates me.  But I have to put my anger on hold because this girl needs me.

She needs my prayers and pleading on her behalf to an intolerant God about "options".  She needs grace.  She needs love.

As I sit here and write this I feel physically sick to my stomach.  I want to get on my knees and beg her not to do this.  But it wouldn't be heard because she is so disconnected at this point.

So, instead I'm on my knees begging God to change her heart.  Soften her heart to adoption.  I'm not asking for her baby for myself.  I know that's not what is meant to be for that baby or us.  I just simply am pleading for a life to be spared.  And someone else's life to be blessed with an immeasurable gift.

I have a dear friend who also knows about this situation.  We spoke yesterday on the phone and cried and pleaded on this baby's behalf.  She too is waiting for a very special gift.  And while she has kids already who she cherishes dearly, knows that her and her husband have been called to add another blessing to this already precious family. 

She is where I am now.  She's not asking for her baby.  Just for that sweet child to receive a chance at life.

I don't even know where else to go with this other than to beg every single one of you who will read this to please pray for this person and this precious life she harbors.

Pray that God lay His mighty hand on her very callused heart.  Pray that this child is spared their life.  Pray for her mindset to be changed about her "options".  Pray for the kids that she already has, that they may somehow be shown the light of Christ.

This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to pray about.  In my flesh I want to scream at her and let my anger come to the surface.  But James 1:19 says "So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to listen, slow to speak, slow to wrath;"

I can't yell at her to wake up and realize what she is saying.

I.  Must.  Pray.

Nothing else.  

So once again, here is your servant Lord...waiting.  Holding her breath while she stays the course and waits. Waits for a decision that either way, God will receive the glory for.  It hurts.  Physically, emotionally, mentally.  But ultimately, God is sovereign.  He already knows this child.  He already knows what will become of this situation.  He. already. knows.

I leave you with a song that has been on my heart for a while now. It seems to have become my theme song for these past weeks and months.  

I ask you, beg you, please pray.