Our decision. Not yours.

Sounds harsh, doesn't it?

It's not meant to.  But the truth of the matter is that when people start finding out about what you are going through, really in any storm of life, the "if I were yous" and "you should justs" start coming from every direction.

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm all for some advice.  

My mom always says, "Take all the advice you can get.  Then you can pick and choose what you want to use and what you don't."

And that works for most situations.  But not when it comes to matters like infertility.

I distinctly remember sitting in church one Sunday morning and hearing Dr. Joe Brown say something that has always stuck with me.  He said "You can't say what you would or wouldn't do until you are in that same situation yourself".  He's right.  You can imagine what you may or may not do but you never know for sure because when you aren't in that particular situation, you have a different mind set then when it actually happens.

Bet you are wondering where I'm going with this, don't you?

Well, let me get right down to it....

In the very beginning of this struggle we kept very quiet about all of this.  I was somehow ashamed or embarrassed that I had these issues.  Why as  women we get so bent out of shape about our bodies dysfunctions that we can't control, I will never understand.  

But we do.

For 3+ years, Robert and I have had (close your eyes mom) unprotected sex.  I have taken countless pregnancy tests.  I have "had" every single possible symptom of pregnancy known to man.  At one point I could have sworn my leg hair was growing faster than normal and just knew I was pregnant!

I mean seriously, Jen?????  Who monitors the rate of leg hair growth.

I'll tell you who.  The girl who wants so badly to be pregnant that she will take ANY symptom that comes along with it and not complain a single bit!  And that is another blog for another time...

I finally couldn't hold it in any longer.  I was tired of acting like nothing was wrong when I knew deep down that something was.  And it was starting to effect me by keeping it all in.

So I started talking.

And so did everyone else.

"You should go see the doctor."

"You should just stop trying." 

 By the way, if you are a married woman, how is that even possible?  Men like sex.  True story. Women (most women) like babies. That's a fact.  If you have a husband, you most likely are going to have sex.  And if you want a baby, I think you have to have sex for that too. Don't you?  If you know another way, PLEASE message me so we can meet for coffee!  So in order to use that advice, you want me to NOT have sex?  I'm confused!!!!

Anyways. Moving on.

"You should put a pillow under your hips and lay down for 30 minutes afterward."

"If I were you I would have your husband checked out."

It's exhausting!!!  If I used all that advice I would be laying down with a pillow under my hips at the doctor's office, NOT having sex, getting my husband checked out, all while standing on my head, taking special vitamins, with a thermometer in my mouth and peeing on an ovulation stick!

Whew!

But, you aren't me.

That's what I want to say but never do in fear of sounding rude.  Except that one day.  I went to lunch with some friends and that whole, "You should just", conversation started.  I burst into tears, and let out a "it's so easy for everyone to sit here and say what you would do but YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD DO BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE AND YOU AREN'T ME"!!!

That last part is in all caps because somehow at the end of my outburst I was on the verge of yelling.  And then came the embarrassment, as I could feel what seemed like the whole restaurants' worth of eyes staring at me wondering why somebody wasn't fitting this girl for a straight jacket.  I wanted to crawl under the table cloth. Needless to say the table got very quiet.

So with all that being said, let me tell you what WE are planning on doing, God willing of course.

We prayed a very long time about what God wanted for our lives.  And the answer we came up with was....

Adoption.

I always knew I wanted to grow my family through adoption.  So this really was no new news to me. Robert was completely on board at the first mention of adoption. And I was so thankful.  He is a good man.  I have read a lot of things that say that it sometimes takes some convincing for a man because women have that natural "nurture you whether you are my kid or the neighbor's kid" instinct but a man has to work at it a little harder.  Especially when the kid isn't his blood.  

I'm a lucky girl;)

At first we thought international.  And still are thinking that maybe that is our avenue.  But several doors for international adoption have been closed to us for now and that's okay.  We are not ruling anything out at this point in time.  We are exploring all of our options in domestic and international.

I worried for a long time about how people would react to knowing that the child that God brings into our lives was not "ours".  But the truth is, the child WILL be ours.  Just because I didn't carry that baby for 9 months doesn't make him or her any less mine than if I did.  It is just the same.

Romans 8:15 says "For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father"."

That child will call Robert and I, daddy and mommy just like a child that we conceived on our own.  And we will love them no differently.

God spiritually adopted me and He loved me enough to send HIS son to die on a cross for  my sins that He didn't even commit.

And if you don't understand that, or would do it differently, it doesn't matter because you aren't us!

Jesus set the example for us on how to love. End of story.

So next time you are listening to someone's struggle, before you so quickly jump to give advice, stop and think about it.

A good question to ask yourself would be "Is this what he/she needs to hear right now?" or would a simple, "I can't understand what you are going through because I've never been there . But what I can tell you is that I'm praying for God's sovereign hand to be at work in your life and I pray that He gives you His peace that passes all understanding." be more well received?

Because at the end of the day, it's not your decision to make. It's theirs   And their goal in life isn't or shouldn't be to do what YOU would do, but instead, what Christ would do.


"A Father of the fatherless, a defender of the widows, Is God in His holy habitation." Psalm 68:5